Having broken the 4th finger shaft of my right hand during a basketball accident 2 weeks ago, my hand is now in a brace (or a hand joint).The brace covers my last 3 fingers and extends over my forearm such that I’m unable to move my wrist and the last 3 fingers of my hand. Thank God that my hand isn’t put in a cast, otherwise, I would have itched to death by now. Prior to switching over the a brace, my hand in a cast for 2 days and I was itching badly already.

For the past 2 weeks, life has been very different. I realised that I can’t perform some simple tasks and have to others with much difficulty.  For instance, I can’t use chopsticks to eat noodles and have been using a fork since. Being a right-hander, I’m also having some difficulty writing and typing. Last week was especially trying as I had mid-term tests in school. Preparing for them were tough as I wasn’t use to studying without writing anything down. Thank God I was given special grace for my mid-term tests. For one of the test, my prof allowed me to take as much time as needed to write. And I took about 3 hours for a 1 and a 1/2 hour paper.

This afternoon, I felt my hand itchying a bit, so I removed my brace and sent it for washing. While it was being left to dry, I tried t0 grab a pen to write. I was able to grab the pen, but yet when I tried to write, it was even worse than with the brace on. I realised that this was so because I was unable to hold the pen as I used to do so.

The shocking thing was: it may be a permanent thing!

I recalled the emotionless words of the doctor when he told me about the effects of my fracture. He said, “The fracture does not need any surgery. All you will lose is the shape of your 4th finger knuckle.”

As I observed my hand, I felt suddenly as if it was a foreign object to me. As if it is no longer my hand. It looks different. And it will look different. From now on, the hand will look deformed. The 4th knuckle has sunken in and cannot be seen when I clench my fist. And even clenching my fist is a problem. Due to the broken bone and the sinking in of the 4th knuckle, I can’t even clench my fist properly. The last 2 fingers just won’t go down.

This sudden realisation a loss of a body part (though a small one) is really painful. It isn’t the physical pain, but it is the pain of not being able to do the things I used to do before. I can’t play the piano, I can’t play basketball. All these activities I used to enjoy and take for granted are things of the past. Not that I won’t be able to do them again, but I would definitely not be able to do them like I used to.

As I was feeling the sadness, my dad came and spoke to me. He told me “You are just like Jacob”. Those words didn’t make sense until I recalled the story of Jacob wrestling with God.

Genesis 32:24-26 – ‘Then Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When he (the man) saw that he (Jacob) had not prevailed against him (the man), he (the man) touched the socket of his (Jacob’s) thigh; so that the socket was dislocated while he (Jacob) wrestled with him (the man). Then he (the man) said, “Let me go, for dawn is breaking,” But he (Jacob) said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”‘

v28 – ‘He (the man) said,”Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men and have prevailed.’

This is taken from a book I read by Watchman Nee about this:

It was not Jacob who wrestled, but God who came and wrestled with him, to bring about his utter surrender. The object of wrestling is to force a man down until he is unable to move, so that he yields to the victor. Yet of God it is said that even here, ‘He prevailed not’. Jacob possessed tremendous natural strength. Many of us know all too well what this means. We can still do so well ourselves as we employ all sorts of natural skills.

Wrestling illustrates God’s method of dealing with us. It is finally to weaken us so that we cannot rise. God has His way of doing this with each of us. Jacob was stronger than most, but God conquered. When Jacob would not yield, God ‘touched’ him.

The thigh is the strongest part if the body, a fitting type of our point of greatest natural strength. There must come a day when God dislocates that thigh, totally undermining and undoing our strength of nature.

For Jacob, it was his thigh socket that was removed. For me, it is the socket of my arm that God has taken away. Just as God performed a ‘weakening’ touch on Jacob, he did so for me.

Reflecting back on my life, there has been many situations in which I depended greatly on my own strength. There were many times I trusted in my great strength, in doing my school essays, in project work, in studying for exams. There were so many times even when I interacted with people, I just thought I knew best and people come no where near. I used to argue my way to say that I am smarter, having score better results than most of my peers.

This injury is a humbling one.

It teaches me that I am but flesh.

My body is weak as ever. I am a mere man who is weak and fragile. It doesn’t take much for my physical body to be destroyed.

I remembered my name. My name is Gabriel. It means God is my strength.

Through this, God is weakening me. He is telling me to stop depending on myself, but to depend on Him. He is saying, “I am the vine and you are the branch. Apart from me, you are nothing”. He is saying, “You are weak, but I am strong.” He is telling me “You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.” He is telling me to struggle, not with all my energies, but all His energies. He is saying, “Strength will rise as you wait upon the Lord. For those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not be faint.” He is saying, “I will give you strength.”

Thank you, Lord. For Hebrews 12:6 says ‘For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives’. This is the Lord’s wonderful discipline upon me. Perhaps I have misused my hand to sin and not to glorify him that he has taken it away. My physical body is not my own. It belongs to the Lord. The Lord has the right to take it away. Or perhaps, really I need to learn to be weak. I need to be strong in the Lord, not in my own strength.

And this is who I must be: Gabriel, God is my strength. I want to be able to proclaim that, my name, at the end day of life.

 

God, I yield. You have taken away my best strength. You have weakened me. No more shall I depend on my natural strength. For I know, Your strength will come.