For the past few weeks, I have not been able to really blog down a good post as I have been plagued by the busyness of my schoolwork. Each week, I have to hand in an essay assignment or two, or there would be a presentation that I had to prepare for. I felt as if I was so sucked into the cycle of meeting deadlines and struggling to keep up with the lectures that my time with God was compromised.

Each day, the heaviness of work overwhelmed me such that the burden would be too difficult to bear. From day to night, I have hardly anytime to have enough relaxation to recharge me for more work to be done. I felt trapped like a slave to the entire university system.

There were thoughts of just letting all go and neglect my work on one hand, and on the other, to continue to do my very best. Yet, I felt that something was very wrong with both. If I would be letting go of doing well, I wouldn’t be satisfied. If I would be continuing to work hard, the stress isn’t helping me either.

I felt it rather strange that I was studying so hard, actually, because I used to be a  very ill-disciplined student in my high school days. Recently, as I reflected upon my actions of why i was working so hard to the point of breaking down, I realised that it was because of the extremely good grades I had achieved last semester and I was pressuring myself (beyond my capabilities, at times) to maintain the good grades this semester. Hence, I was putting myself in such a stucked-up situation.

Thanks to God for allowing a brother from church to speak to me on Thursday. That brother reminded me about how results are a means to an end and not the end itself.

That truly allowed me to reflect further on why I was studying so hard. I realised that recently, by desiring to do well in school, I was not pleasing God.

This may be a hard word for even myself to accept. Something that I struggled to even mention. I have changed from being a ill-disciplined student who was distracted by so many things to someone who is putting my focus on my studies; and now I am working hard to achieve my goal of doing well; and then God wants me to learn the lesson of NOT desiring to do well in school? Sounds rather absurd to me.

But that is what He is precisely saying to me: Stop spending so much time on studying hard.

Why? Because the results are only a means to an end, not the end itself.

That would mean that studying hard is only a means to another means, which is the results. And since I have a greater end to achieve, I shouldn’t make the results my goal in any sense.

I recalled receiving my results for my previous semester. I was totally shocked that I had done so well that I was in disbelief. But one thing that puzzled me was this: I wasn’t at all happy or excited that I had done extremely well, but rather, I was relieved or grateful. I was grateful because I felt that God was the one who had rewarded the hard work I have put in. In that sense, there was a possibly that God not reward my hard work, but He did. That to me was grace. It was God’s grace that has granted me the fruit of my labour.

O how the gracious is the Lord who blessed me!

Yet, I was greedy. I made the results my end, when I should have been only the means to a greater end. I saw myself as a very good student and so I applied for joint degrees and student exchange program, thinking that I was at such a standard or something.

Thankfully, God didn’t allow my pride to go any higher. He made me low by closing all the doors for all these programs in ways too coincidental to be true. For example, I was so over-confident about getting my Joint degree program such that I did not apply for the student exchange program, which I could have definitely gotten in because of my grades.

I thank God for revealing to me the state I have fallen from. God blessed me last semester because I was seeking to do well to please God like in Colossians 3:23 – ‘Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men’. This purpose was lost as I was seeking to do well for myself. The end of pleasing God, in this sense, has been lost and replaced by a selfish one. I was elevating gifts above the giver, wanting the good results God could give to me when I worked hard, rather than God Himself.

How foolish am I to think in such a way that God would provided the good results for my hard work when I seek the results more than I should seek Him!

My fundamental problem in this case was the problem of my desire. I thank God for reminder from brethren to seek what is better once again as in Matthew 6:33 – ‘But Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you.’

O Lord, help me to seek You before anything else that is good. Because You, O Lord, are so much better!