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On this Sunday, 31/08/08, I would finally be getting baptised. My relatives and my Grandma would be there to witness my baptism. Frankly speaking, I’m having a lot of mixed feelings. On one hand, I’m looking forward to my baptism. On the other, I am not sure what to expect on that day. Nevertheless, it would be an important event in my life.
I would every much like to blog down what Baptism means to me when I have the time, but since I was told to draft out a testimony for the service, I would like to first include it down in the blog:
Sure enough when I was whining about not being able to get the modules I want, I thanked God that he had it all planned out for me. I managed to get the Film and History module back for 1 point, and after going for the 1st lecture, I realised that the module wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I realised that I would be struggling to cope if I had to study one more module. Thank God! His ways is higher than mine.
Yesterday and the day before, I was rather vexed about the Film and History module that I was taking. I had to do 5 mini-essays, 1 full-length essay and facilitate and online discussion group. Knowing of the requirements, immediately I felt the stress coming up. I began to ask myself what I was doing. Frankly speaking, before the work even started I felt like quitting. In fact, this thought didn’t come into my mind for the 1st time, but has been there hovering for about 3 years.
And for this I shall began my very long post (long but necessary):
I remember how my teachers or, if not, everyone else saying: “Study what you want! Follow your passion! Follow where your heart leads you”
My passion lies in being expressive and doing things that utilizes my creative mind. In fact, I would thoroughly enjoy doing films, music, architecture, writing novels, cooking, hair-dressing etc. As long as I’m able to express myself freely, I would be glad. If it’s related to basketball somehow, I would be even more glad. That’s where my passions lie. If I were to do these things, I would be living what people would deem as a fulfilled life.
That’s how the world work: Ultimate satisfaction lies in following the heart, were it not so? If a student has a passion to be a doctor, he should go all out for it. If a student has a passion in photography, should he not go all out for it?
As a soon-to-be student pondering over the choices of further studies, this is what many people have been telling me all along: Follow your heart. Study what you like. Do what you are passionate about.
We all have dreams. We all want our dreams to be fulfilled. Only when our dreams are fulfilled, we shall be totally satisfied.
I have a dream too. In fact, I have many dreams. I want to be an architect, or a film-maker who can screen a film in a cinema one day, or a basketball player, or a chef, or a renowned hairstylist. I know that these are not impossiblities. I could work towards them and make them happen. I could follow my heart.
But didn’t the bible say in Jeremiah 17:9 that The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?
For that reason, and you may say that I’m foolish, I’m not going to follow my heart or my passion. I believe that at this crossroad of my life in pursuing further studies, it has to be God-led. Besides, I am certain from Matthew 16:26a – ‘For what will a man be profited, if he gains the whole world, and forfeits his soul?’ that I shall never be able to find true satisfaction in doing what I want and what I desire.
In fact, the way to true satisfaction lies in Matthew 5:6 – ‘Blessed are those who hunder and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.’
I know the way, but truthfully, dying to these passions of mine is a painful process. I have been wrestling with it for 3 years. For 3 years, I have been hovering between following my heart and continuing with what God is leading me with. Countless times, I have doubted my current path, my current course of study. I just felt that I was stifling my creative part of me and forcing myself to study something I don’t really feel like studying.
Right up to yesterday morning, I was wrestling with this. I felt that I have taken the wrong path all along that I shouldn’t have gone to University or Junior College but should have followed my passion in studying film or something.
This is then a testimony about how God uses people. God always uses people and I thank him for that.
I’m grateful to one of my sister-in-christ who frequently drops me bible verses via sms. Yesterday morning when I was fighting within myself, feeling frustrated, lost and deeply burdened, she sent me this little message that goes:
Are you weak and heavy-laden?
Burdened with a load of care.
Do not ever be discouraged.
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
I have absolutely know idea how she knew that I was weak and heavy-laden and burdened with a load of care. I wanted to message back, “YES!”, but I didn’t. Somehow I knew that it wasn’t a coincidence and I am sure that it is not. The moment that I needed this message the most, it came and it encouraged me. God was working through this sister somehow. Thank God!
After which, I went to listen to Reverend Philip Heng’s CD again. As the 1st track played through, I began to sing along. The words of that song was meaningful but not to me at that time.
But as the 2nd track came up and as I continue to sing along, I was deeply grieved. The chorus was about choosing Christ over the world. I felt the tremendous parallel of the lyrics to my situation.
Then, the 3rd track came up and the song Submission was the very song that brought me to my decision of forsaking my passions for the Lord. As I sang the chorus, I was in tears and I fought myself to sing on. It was like a song of refirmation. The lyrics of the song reminded me of the day when I submitted all to the Lord.
Track 4 was God will Take Care of You. I was reassured of God’s love upon my life, how he was planning my every step.
Finally came Track 5 and I was certain that it was no coincidence. It was a familiar song that I sang during my childhood days: What a Friend We Have in Jesus and the lyrics of the 2nd and 3rd stanza had:
Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged,
Take it to the Lord in prayer
Are we weak and heavy-laden,
cumbered with a load of care.
Precious Savious, still our refuge
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Indeed, this was so encouraging. I felt it no coincidence that it was similar to the message that the sister smsed me earlier on. That was the message I needed from God: which is to take everything to the Lord in prayer.
I realised how little I have been praying. I realised the need to take everything big or small to God in prayer. When I started praying for small things like concentration during lectures etc, the joy of the Lord returned. Truly, the burden was lifted. I regained my assurance in the Lord of his ways and his plans for me.
Though I was utterly discouraged, God brought me back to him through people. I am so grateful and thankful that I have a Lord who cares and a worthy master to serve. Praise the Lord! 
Yesterday was a traumatising day. Being new to the NUS module-bidding system and unclear of the requirements, after securing 5 modules of study for my semester, I went to drop 2 modules: the Japanese Language module and one of my General Education modules, thinking that I had a opportunity to bid for another module with the points I had.
What made me change my mind was the fact that I realised the futility of doing a Japanese studies minor just for the fun of it. It was something I would like to do and something that I didn’t mind continuing even though it might be tough, especially to learn a new language. However, I went with my parent’s advice to do learn something for the value of it.
Since, I would be going to be a teacher, it would be an appropriate thing to take up a teaching subject as a minor, which preferably was History.
I began then to regret bidding for the Film and History module under the wrong code and that pushed me to drop it, which was under the general education code. I planned that I would do this module under the history code instead, in order that it could be counted for my History minor, which I would be pursuing.
As a result of the module-dropping, I forfeited a few points.
Then, I decided to bid for a Introductory module for Film Style with the remaining points I had left. To my horror, I missed the minimum bid eventually and couldn’t get the module I wanted. That left me with only 3 modules left to study.
Immediately I went into panic, scrolling through the modules that are still available for the next bidding round. I was disappointed that I could not find the modules that I was interested in anymore and moreover, if I had to study 5 modules, I would be wasting my bid points on the modules I did not want. It was a terribly distressing feeling – the feeling of helplessness and incapability.
I began to blame people for changing my perception of things, holding the fact that I wouldn’t do such a silly thing myself if thoughts weren’t planted in my mind. I began to ask God why this was happening to me, despite trying to do what was right. There was much fear in me that I couldn’t do enough modules this semester.
Through the pain, agony and distress, I thank God that he has never left me or forsaken me. My eyes were suddenly opened up to how easily things could crumple when it is relied upon human strength. I realised how easy was it for me to commit an error like this with my own folly.
God used the situation to remind me to be ever-dependent on him once again. He taught me that rather than complaining to him why I couldn’t get the modules I wanted, I had to thank him, though not a big thing, for the modules I already had, for those are given by him too. There was no need to worry and be anxious anymore, for the bible reads in Philippians 4:6:
‘Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.’
I had to be thankful that at the least, it was his grace of giving me 3 modules that I wanted to study. At that moment, I was reminded again about who God is and who I am. I am but a man belonging to God. What right or control do I have in situations in my life? What right do I have to be angry with things that I can’t accomplish? Who am I but a man under the sovereign hand of the Almighty God.
For those who know me, they would know that I am someone who is crazily obsessed about the game of basketball. Here’s one of my most memorable basketball moments:
I have been playing and loving the game since I was eleven years old. As the days went by, I grew more and more into the game by watching NBA matches and playing NBA video games. My life revolved around basketball. I could safely say that none of my teammates were ever close to obsession like me.
Basketball has brought be many good times and bad. The bad times were all the hard gruelling, unforgetable training during my secondary school days. Looking back at those times, I couldn’t even explain how could have gotten by the training. There were times when I felt like giving it all up. But my passion stayed true to the game. Despite being unfit, despite having a poor discipline, I survived through those days. The good times were the days at the courts playing basketball with my pals, and even better were the days when I was playing competition games.
The only one thing that keeps me playing basketball is that I have a goal. I have a goal to win. The taste of each victory is just so sweet, especially after all the hard work. I just hated to lose and wanted to win in any of my games, whether it is a friendly match or an official competition game.
Basketball is about discipline and hardwork. I learnt how discipline my body, bringing it through a painful process in order to perform at my best, in order to win a game.
Basketball is also about passion. I learnt how to have a set goal in my mind and to work towards it at all cause.
Basketball taught me a lot. I am so thankful that I have picked up the game. Right up till today, I have never regretted.
The only thing that I have yet to achieve is to be in a team that wins. I have always been in a team that has been the underdogs. I have always wanted to win in a tournament, but have never ever did.
Now that I have one last shot in university, I wanted to go all out for it. I have no other dream, but to win a medal in a basketball tournament.
I will discipline my body. I will put myself through pain. I will play with my dear life. I will do anything to win a medal.
And then, my back started to hurt. I am suspected to have a slip-disc if the doctor is right.
That means that I would never be able to play basketball again. That means that my goal of winning would never be able to be reality anymore.
Looking at my present state, in which I can’t even bend without pain, it is terribly heart-wrenching to give up playing, to give up the very dream I have. Many a times it is utterly depressing when I wanted to play, but my body just wouldn’t allow me to. Basketball is a long lost dream, gone forever.
When I was down, broken and distressed by the fact that I could no longer play, I was brought to memory the last stanza of the song When I survey the wondross cross:
Were the whole realm of nature mine
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my ALL
Indeed, the words of this song speaks a lot about life. What would I get if I win a medal after all the hard work? Ultimately, it would be nothing. The ambition, the thrill, the satisfaction, the victory would pass away. But the love of God will not.
I realised that after all, this is the life of a christian, a life of forsaking the entire world for Christ. Many times I profess that I have given up all for God, but yet when I am unable to play basketball anymore, I get distress and upset. It is because I am still trying to please myself. I is because I am still trying to accomplish what I desire to do.
God was teaching me to let go of this very thing in my heart, to lay ‘Basketball’ down before him and submit to him. How could I say I have given him my all when I cannot even lay this very thing down?
In the Christian life, the same principle applies as with winning basketball.
Philippians 3:14 – I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
The goal have changed. It is no longer the earthly medal I desire, but it is heavenward, that which God has called me, in Christ Jesus. This is a better prize, far better than any prize on this earth. I am unable to chase after this earthly prize, but I am still very eligible for this heavenly one.
Thanks be to God.
Matthew 6:19-21 – Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
