What Now?

After completing my national service, inevitably, a strange feeling fell upon me. It was the feeling of “What now?”

Life had been going on day by day during my national service such that it subtlely became a huge part of my life. Daily, I was looking forward to go to my workplace and coming back home as soon as possible, so as to pass through my national service life as quickly as possible. Indeed, these two years passed so much quicker than I thought.

But when it all ended, it felt so weird. To me, when completing national service, there wasn’t the picture of freedom like a release from prison or something along those lines. But it was more like throwing me into a desert in the middle of nowhere. That was the feeling I got: the sense of emptiness, the sense of loss.

In the past, there was so much to do, so many tasks to be completed daily. Suddenly, there is nothing to do. That huge part of my life is suddenly taken away such that I am left with nothing.

What now?

Frankly speaking during this two weeks of freedom, I haven’t been spending my time really wisely. My body is still on its way to adjusting back into non-working life. More so, my body is quite reluctant to step out of its comfort zone, wishing it was back there in my camp. It is not that my army life was comfortable throughout, but that I had so gotten use to its routine that it felt so uncomfortable to break out of it.

Well, I guess I learnt something amidst my slow, uncomfortable adjustment period.

I am reminded of the Israelites who just departed out of Egypt into the wilderness. They grumbled against God and Moses, preferring to stay in Egypt as slaves rather than to be out there in the hot dry wilderness.

Exodus 16:3 - “And the sons of Israel said to them, “Would that we had died by the Lord’s hand in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the pots of meat, when we ate bread to the full;  for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.”

Exodus 17:3 - “But the people thirsted there for water; and they grumbled against Moses and said, “Why, now, have you brought us up from Egypt, to kill us and our children and our livestock with thirst?”

Numbers 11:5,6 - “We remember the fish which we used to eat free in Egypt, the cucmbers and the melons and the leeks and the onions and the garlic, but now our appeitite is gone. THere is nothing at all to look at except this manna.”

It seems that the Israelites kept wanting to go back to Egypt where they came from, even though they knew that Egypt was a place of slavery for them. Each time they encountered a problem in the wilderness, they would dream of themselves back in Egypt with the so little that they had as slaves.

Yes, they were free from slavery now. But there was this reluctance of enjoying freedom. They preferred to be in their comfort zone, though it was in fact not so comfortable. They felt so weird and unnatural being in the wilderness in the middle of nowhere with nothing at all. There is this thing in them that makes them want to go back, even back into slavery, rather that suffer the unknowns and perils of the wilderness.

Thinking through all these things, I truly felt I could empathize with them to a slight little bit. My situation now is quite a parallel to theirs having to leave my not-so-comfortable comfort zone to a place in the middle of nowhere: The “What now?” situation.

I do recall a verse in Galatians 5:1.

“It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.”

What a timely reminder this verse is to me, not so much of how it relates to my freedom from national service, but my spiritual freedom.

As my physical body longs to be back in my comfort zone of national service, my soul longs to go back into its comfort zone of sin. The sinful nature is so natural, so comfortable to all man. It is my nature, something I am borned for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

But Christ has set us free from slavery of sin and the world by his death on the Cross of Calvary. We are no longer captives to sin and the world.

Somehow, what Paul said is so true of me. Knowing that I am free, I complain just like the Israelites, longing for the simple pleasures of Egypt. I complain so much of how people can do certain things and enjoy certain things but I can’t. I dream sometimes of just going back into the world to enjoy all the worldly pleasures once more, not knowing that these pleasures are but temporal and pale in comparison to the pleasure of resting in God. Truly, I do not know the true pleasure, the joy of resting in God.

I believe that once this joy is realised, all the things on earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace. We would not go back to enjoy the small little pleasures of the world to grieve God any longer once we realise it.

Though currently in the wilderness, being unable to enjoy the pleasures of Egypt, we would be led to the promised land, the land flowing with milk and honey, given by God to us for our possession.

Hebrews 11:13,16 - “All these died in faith, without receiving the promises, but having seen them and having welcomed them from a distance, and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them.”

Abraham and the saints of old desired a better country, a heavenly one. Recongnising that they were strangers on earth, they had foregone the pleasures of this life and God brought them into the promised land, the better heavenly country. 

Oh how we thank God that he has also prepared a place for us in his city, that he is calling us to leave all we have behind in this Egypt and come home to him.

What now? Don’t go back, move forward.

Lessons from my workplace: Dealing with difficult situations

There are many reactions people would have when the time for them to leave the national service comes. Some would feel excited or relieved that the two years have finally passed. Others would feel strange or empty, as if suddenly a huge part of their lives had left them. Some others liken their ORD date to a prison release, experiencing freedom after a long while.To me, my departure date isn’t really different. I do feel excited, a little strange and also liberated. But more so, I feel thankful. I am really thankful that I have walked out of the army feeling a change in me. I am so grateful to God that this 2 years had not been wasted at all. I thank God that I have been put into his very own schoolroom of life’s situations to be moulded, taught and formed not just into a better person, but a new man.

Frankly speaking, my army life isn’t as sweet and comfortable like how others thought mine would turn out to be. Although I have been relieved from combat duties to a relatively peaceful and easy camp, I could say life had been worst since I transferred. But nevertheless, I have to be thankful to God that I could see my family everyday after work and need not stay in camp.

I have been through quite a number of difficult situations that clearly pushed me to my very limits. Many a time, I do think that I am “jinxed” in the sense that I would get punished for every single small detail done wrong when others could definitely get away with it. I was thinking really hard whether I truly was so unlucky to face so many troubles in my army life and yet deep down inside, I knew that I really didn’t do things very wrong.

In fact, I thought of boasting many times to others that I am the most capable in my workplace. I hold 3 appointments. I have been working in many different departments. I do almost every right. Moreover, I am so humble. I do not complain or even boast to anyone the tasks I have accomplished to gain recongition by my superiors. Who else could be better than me.

But God did not just want me to be that way. He knew what I was doing wasn’t enough to please him.

Doing my very best and not complaining was enough for me to feel good about myself, but I thank God that he wanted more than that to please him.

Looking back, I am beginning to realise that my army life is truly in God’s hands. I denied this at first. I thought I was just simply reaping what I have sowed. Yes, this was true, but yet God gave me even more than I deserved in my punishment so that he could teach me his lessons.

Repeatedly, I was thrown into difficult situations, situations in which I was pushed to my brim until the point when I told God, “It’s enough! I give up!” Then, I begin to see how God worked and how he rescued me from these situations, how he broke me through and through to demonstrate how he would have mercy upon me.

One major one came last year when a conflict arose between me and the other colleagues. I was preyed upon quite easily due to my silent nature. They capitalised on the mistakes that I made to put me into bad books with my superiors. I could remember how much distress and anguish it costs me, how bitter I became and how I thought of evil but legitimate thoughts to snap back at them. Nevertheless, I failed miserably and I was angry with God.

I told God how righteous I was and how evil those guys were. And God taught me from Psalms. At that point of time I could really identify with the Psalmist’s situation. Particularly Psalms 3:

Ps 3:1 - O Lord, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me! Many are saying of me, “God will not deliver him.”

Ps 3:7.8 - Arise, O Lord! Deliver me, O my God! Strike all my enemies on the jaw; break the teeth of the wicked. From the Lord comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people.

I wanted God to deliver me from my foes just as he had delivered the Psalms. So, I began my retaliation to get even with them. Thankfully I failed miserably because that wasn’t what God wants. He taught me Romans 12:17-19:

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay…”

I failed because I was taking my own revenge on my enemies. I wasn’t letting God do the work. I trapped myself in another sticky situation in which things became far worse than before. Thankfully, God was gracious. He answered my prayers in another manner.

I asked for harm on my foes, he gave them grace. I asked for conflicts upon them, he gave them peace.

Thank God because his ways are higher than my ways. I realised that as God had given me grace and peace, he also could give it to those who harmed me.

This situation was resolved in a peaceful manner. We came down to talking terms to end the entire hostility that we had against each other and it remained that way till all these guys left the service some time ago.

Romans 9:15 - “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.”

I really marvels me how God could work in this situation. He nevertheless repays evil with good and has mercy and compassionate on the wicked. How could I not be merciful and compassionate to my foes, when even God has mercy and compassion on them?

Romans 9:20a - “But who are you, O man, to talk back to God?”

Who am I to argue against what God does? He has absolute and sovereign control over how he causes situations to turn out in my life. And I thank him that he has done just that for me.